October 2007 Archives

She was tall, dark-haired, gorgeous, and right behind me as I walked into Starbucks. I politely held the door behind me, but  didn't look at her. Didn't need to--my primal mind was on full alert (think disgusting peasant in Ladyhawke with his greasy hands and gruff voice: "wanna breed?").

I order. I pay. She drops her phone. I look down--it looks like *my* phone! Did I just drop my phone??? I check my pocket, she bends down to get her phone. I say

"it's not *my* phone"

"nope, it was mine"

Was that a hint of annoyance in her voice? Was she a bit embarrassed because she fumbled her phone next to the cute guy in the leather jacket? Or did I just make a snide remark without thinking about it? Dropping a phone is *exactly* the kind of thing I'd do. Making it sound like I'm mocking some poor stranger is also *exactly* the kind of thing I'd do.

Situation over-thought, it was too late to manage any kind of witticism; I just got my receipt and skulked away. My primal self shook his head and went back to his cave.

I feel like I've had the same conversation with so many technical types over the years it has become some sort of bad, recurring nightmare. In it, they are always complaining. They have the exact same complaint that every parent hears when they tell their child to clean up their room: "it's too haaarrrrd"

me:        this is the most secure way to go, we should do it.

Them:    Is anyone else doing it?

Me:        no, I'm trying to start a trend.

Them:    well then why should we have to be the first?

Me:        Because you are the best, the brightest, you could be the rock stars!

Them:    Oh no, we are idiots, we don't want that kind of attention. What's the business requirement for this?

Me:        Well, it needs to be encrypted, beyond that there's no specific requirement for client certs.

Them:    See--there's no requirement, and it is a HUGE administrative burden.

Me:       Well, we have to have certs for our current project anyway, so the administrative part isn't such a big deal, we'll handle that part, all you have to do is implement it.

Them:   But then there's the issue of configuring our software to use them, I'm not sure we can do that.

Me:       Sure, because you are idiots and can't program your way out of a paper bag.

The PM: Its true, they are idiots, and if we make them do this then my life is made difficult.

Them:     let's compromise; we'll do just server-side for now, then explore switching to client later.

Me:         that's code for "we'll never do it, but this'll shut you up." Fine, whatever, I don't want to deal with you anyway, you *are* idiots.

Maybe it doesn't go *quite* like that, at least not out loud.

Years ago a friend pointed out something about our High School clique. He said that they were lobsters in a pail, if you listened to them, they'd pull you down any time you tried to escape. It is a profound statement on humanity (and not original to him, of course). Our greatest strength is our ability to form communities. It's our greatest weakness too. MLEIV has often quoted Robert Persig about the value of viruses to an organism. The people rejected are often the ones who have the most profound contributions.

Its all a part of why we hate corporate culture. The fear, the lack of risk taking, the desire to strive for mediocrity. Come on back into the pail, we promise we're not all gonna get boiled alive.

I spent my whole life thinking I was fat. Donna put me on various crash diets (only grapes and water for 3 days???) for two reasons:

1-I think she actually thought I was fat
2-I knew I felt unpopular and awkward and assumed, with her, that it was because I was fat, so I whined about it and she kept trying to do what I wanted in an effort to shut me up

It was pretty messed up. So when I actually gained weight in my late 20's it didn't occur to me that I looked any different: wasn't I *always* fat?

That was the strangest thing about seeing my before and after photos from my recent fitness push (everyone complains I"m not smiling in the "after" photo; they don't see that I'm looking badass!??) . In my mind, I wasn't *that* fat. Conversely, in my mind now, I'm not very fit yet either. This warped image is a huge part, I think, of why we gain weight as a species.

This came to the fore of my mind the other day at the gym as I overheard another member complaining to her trainer that she's been working out all the time, watching her diet, gaining muscle tone, but not losing weight.

That was what I said a year, and 50 lbs, ago.

Its part of that same delusion. We remember that time we had a salad for lunch. We forget the 10 times we had a cookie. We remember the times we had the boring, low-calorie, snacks. We forget that having 5 100 calorie snacks is worse than having 1 500 calorie snack (because after the 5 boring snacks, we slip in one good one). We remember how hard we worked out, we forget that a 300 calorie walk doesn't equate to the 1000 calorie binge we had that night because we "earned" it (think Cletus' diabetic cousin on the Simpsons, doing an exercise, then having a bite of cake "it's my reewaard cake").

Its frustrating for the trainers because they, as outsiders, see our delusions. They know what we aren't doing. They apply the science to it: calories in vs. calories out = net gain/loss. Sure it takes time, some weeks go better than others, but over time the science is well proven. So we latch onto obscure problems (hypo-thyroidism, hyper-glycemia, genetics) and tell ourselves we did the best we could.

Sure, there are people with those problems, but you aren't one of them. Stop giving yourself excuses. And don't trust your family or friends; it's not their job to be the bad-guy for you. They love you, they want to be your support group, they are willing partners in your delusion. And sometimes they are your worst enemies.  

I've still got 30 lbs to go, but I'm down over 100 from 2004. I wish I could tell people its easy and they can do it. The fact is it's hard: hard on you, hard on your Significant Other, and statistically speaking maybe 5% of those who try actually lose more than 10 lbs and keep it off. Success (in weight loss and life) comes by *not* being like everyone else because everyone else fails.

It also comes with a lifetime of feeling like you haven't quite eaten your fill; of throwing out that last bit of food, the best tasting one, the one calling to you, the one that the waiter will ask if you want a box for; of making your hostess feel bad that you didn't have thirds and fourths of her delicious food ("you are a big guy with such an appetite, if you love me you'll validate me by eating my food").

If you can get past the delusions, you can have that weekend splurge, have that comforting bowl of mac and cheese, drink those empty calories of vodka. But if you got fat once, its because something between your stomach and your brain is self-destrucive. You don't get to live like the 40% of the population who are thin. You have to get your extra serotonin from exercise, not food.

Some things in life just aren't fair, get used to it.