At one point in this book Dr. Gilbert relates a conversation with his wife where he remarked how he did not like the movie "Schindler's List." His wife chides him because she quite clearly remembers him liking it. To settle the discussion, they rent it and watch it again. He is, in fact, moved by the story until the end, when he is annoyed at what he sees as a cheap ploy of having the real-life survivors pay tribute.
Dr. Gilbert's point is that if something ends badly, we tend to forget what we liked about the rest. That about sums up my opinion of his book: it started out really well, had such promise, then ended so very, very badly that everything else is tainted.
His information, mostly drawn from group experiments and clinical studies, is a fascinating survey of the ways which we dream about a future happiness and are always disappointed with reality. It left me questioning my own motives and dreams for the future, my own states of happiness and sadness.
But all that was thrown away by his trite ending. His theory is:
1-we are not unique, (individuality is the biggest lie our brains tell us)
2-therefore, what makes one person happy will make you happy too
3-so ask someone who is where you think you want to be if they are happy
4-if they are, then you will be happy there too
So, for example, if I wonder if I should have children I can ask a parent if they are happy being a parent. If they are, then I will be happy too. Except for that part in his book where he discusses how we lie to ourselves about our own happiness, which lie we then tell to others, who then, if they follow his advice, follow us only to find out that they are not happy but they can't admit that to themselves so they perpetuate the lie.
Ask the prescription-drug addicted Utah mothers how happy they are.
Nonetheless, I found the book very enlightening as to the human condition.
Some gems:
In fact, the one group of people who seem generally immune to this illusion [of control over uncontrollable events] are the clinically depressed, who tend to estimate accurately the degree to which they can control events in most situations.
(p 24)
Let's face it, if we all really accepted the degree to which we have no control over our lives, we'd all be depressed. Professional athletes have pre-game rituals, people pick lotto numbers based on a child's birthday, Friday the 13th is bad luck. When that doesn't work, we turn to the sky: God is testing you, the stars were against you. It can't possibly be that we just don't matter, the universe just doesn't know we exist, let alone care.
If the goal of science is to make us feel awkward and ignorant in the presence of things we once understood perfectly well, then psychology has succeeded above all others
(p 70)
I disagree. Neurology has done a much better job.
About an experiment where persons A and B are on either side of a cubed shelf. A can see all the cubes, B can only see some of them. Objects are in each cube, some of them trucks of different sizes. When A is told to move the small truck, A instinctively looks to the small truck she sees, but then realizes that B can't see it. From B's perspective the mid-sized truck is the smallest. So A moves the truck that B knows is the smallest.
The hand behaved like an idealist, but the eye revealed that the brain was a momentary realist.
(p 97)
My mind is always going so manically to figure out reality that sometimes I get frustrated and confused when people (particularly at work) don't seem to understand reality. It pains me to slow down and take them from their ideal state to reality. Its part of what makes me appear so odd to people.
About depression:
Indeed, one of the hallmarks of depression is that when depressed people think about future events, they cannot imagine liking them very much...from the depressed person's point of view, all the flailing makes perfectly good sense because when she imagines the future, she finds it difficult to feel happy today and this difficult to believe that she will feel happy tomorrow.
(p 137)
About failing to talk oneself out of a bad mood:
...the process by which we discover those facts must feel like a discovery and not like a snow job...For positive views to be credible, they must be based on facts that we believe we have come upon honestly.
(p 192)
So we lie to ourselves about lying to ourselves.
Regret:
Regret is an emotion we feel when we blame ourselves for unfortunate outcomes that might have been prevented had we only behaved differently in the past, and because that emotion is decidedly unpleasant, our behavior in the present is often designed to preclude it.
(p 196)
Indeed, in the long run, people of every age and in every walk of life seem to regret not having done things much more than they regret things they did, which is why the most popular regrets include not going to college, not grasping profitable business opportunities, and not spending enough time with family and friends.
(p 197)
I live in a quagmire of these issues. Always looking back, hating myself for choice A over choice B, not doing anything when the moment came (I paralyze under stress).
On the value of delusion:
Explanation robs events of their emotional impact because it makes them seem likely and allows us to stop thinking about them.
(p 208)
My curse in dealing with people is I work very hard to make sure everything is explained. That robs the moment of its mystery. I am a terrible seducer of women.
And people wonder why I don't have any children:
Yet if we measure the actual satisfaction of people who have children, a very different story emerges. Couples generally start out quite happy in their marriages and then become progressively less satisfied over the course of their lives together, getting close to their original levels of satisfaction only when their children leave home. Despite what we read in the popular press, the only known symptom of 'empty nest syndrome' is increased smiling.
(p 243)